grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize