Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
