i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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