the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
