i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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