So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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