My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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