Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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