Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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