I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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