I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
