the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
