Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
