I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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