I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
