Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
