even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
