Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
