My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
