last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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