I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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