Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
