No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
