Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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