It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She bit a glass in half.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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