Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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