i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
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