If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
