I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
