I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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