woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
