My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
