My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
