just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
