new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
