I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
