I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
