just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
