I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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