I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
