I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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