I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
