I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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