i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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