You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
