Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
