she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize