I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
