maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
