Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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