Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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