So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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