In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
