This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
