I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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