so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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