I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
