Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
