Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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