we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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