First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
