Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize